'Who's on the seventh floor
Brewing alternatives
What's in the bottom drawer
Waiting for things to give
Spare us The Cutter!'
Let me introduce myself, I know everything about
you, but nothing about LSN. I am therefore qualified to predict,
but ill equipped to see. I also hope to bring some culture to
the forum with some of my own poetry. The verse above is an
ode to myself, called 'The Cutter'.
So, close the curtains, get your favourite teddy
ready to huggle, and read the following at your peril :
Division Serious Maximus
Pictish Punishers - the Polish
cavalry charge didn't work last season, so they've packed up
their handbags and left. Shame really, they were always good
for making the numbers up. Mentioned for posterity
The Faceless Consortium - Will
the boys self-destruct in a wave of self-loathing and apathy
? I reckon they are going to default the end of the season out.
Although they do have a new 'in-game' weapon, it's called a
'Moaning Matrix Nebelwerfer'. Capable of whining through 30
turns of play about the 'good old days' and ' the grey days'
. The last person to play vs this system died from self-immolation
in an electric toaster. Top table finish, but the end of the
season defaults and the resulting team dissolution at the season
end will leave an admins nightmare trying to sort the final
table out. This will be harkening back to the bad old days when
the Disciples of Grammar did this Season 0. Expect the same.
Evens to win, Evens to default the season end out.
Rogue Element - With names like
Zwack , Syphon, Archer and Kendo, I suggest they sign up to
City of Heroes as 'The New Civic-Minded Four'. The Mole must
be psychic as he predicted a bottom-of-the-table finish for
them last season - he had obviously been for a jaunt into the
future, tunnelled out of his TARDIS and saw the future, but
thought it was the present. Hence the wrong prediction. Except
it was the right prediction. If it was possible to get relegated
out of a relegation battle, these guys would do it. This years
undisputed Silver Spoon winners.
Grunts on the Edge - no, they
fell off it, more like Grunts in the Pungi Pit last season.
Hairy Discordian went AWOL, but unlike Van Damme he didn't turn
up to save the day. With the brain drain to other teams, this
actually makes this team look good now. Will Mr Bean manage
to keep the team padlocked in his mini ? Only time will tell.
Top-flight contenders, but a thin flaky line-up could undermine
their chances.
Worms that Turned - turned into
what ? A crap team, is what. The team looks like it has gone
10 rounds with Tyson. Clinging to the ropes last season, the
knockout blow into oblivion is on its way. Relegation candidates.
8-Bit Fanatics - yeah right,
bye-bye. The 8-Bitch Fannymatics have hired a load of rookies
and are threatening to play them vs the Gods of D1. The Dragons
tried this tactic last season. Stop spamming the Holy Alliance
Posting Ground, and start playing. LaserBurn wins the 'Alliance
Rat Award' for deserting the Doomed sinking ship. Who will he
join next season as the fannies descend to Davy Jones' Locker
? Relegated
Invincible Crazy Fists - more
like the Invincible Fisting Crazies - maybe a job in the porn
industry would suit them better, still they'll get enough of
a shafting at both ends of the team this season. Zombra faces
a real challenge this season - can he retain the Psycho Award
for a 3rd season ? Will Killjoy get wrapped up in his Specialist
League activities and 'take his eye off the proverbial ball,
and get caught over mid-wicket whilst attempting a cover-drive
?' Questions like these and 'What the hell is Killjoy doing
playing cricket for in the USA ?' will be answered this coming
season. Mid table.
Alice's Mighty Dischord - Watch
the 'Mingers grow ! With a player as awesome as the legendary
Jonlans Chicken, it's pretty obvious this is a real team to
reckon with. Can Shera live up to her name and get some consistency
going ? Okay, okay, they are crap - mid table. I was just trying
to 'big 'em up' after receiving a luncheon voucher from Shera.
99ers - gite. Mid -table anonymity
beckons ( again ).
Anaraknaphobia - picked up Hero
Boy, is he the next Kaleb, or the next Terrier ? This is the
team to watch, they've got raw talent in abundance. I cannot
describe the admiration I have for this team in mere words,
so I won't bother. This is the Numero Uno team for next season.
Fear them ! With the resident (evil) big guns of Vasco and Rainman,
you cannot count this team out. Zipdisk is a great supersub
for the team with an unbeaten record. Numero Uno, Top Guns,
the Dogs Jobbies, these are THE ONE !
Dragons Rising - they've had
such a bad press, you almost feel inclined to feel sorry for
them. I don't. At least all the nerds formed a team together
and stopped any chance of gene-proliferation elsewhere. Will
Kaleb break another Alliance stat this season ? Yes. Will he
become the greatest LSN player of all time ? Maybe. Will he
gain a massive 'GuiltyCol-type' fan base ? No. Will the Rimmers
be top of the table ? Almost, I think it's 2nd place next season,
as their lack of cohesion resulted in some default drama last
season. They lack the discipline required.
Crimson Scales - Will PurpleChest
resubscribe ? Maybe. Will the 'Scales continue to haemorrhage
points all season ? Yes. Will anyone care ? No. This team is
the Wimbledon of LSN. Mid table anonymity beckons
The 'Ooh !Arr ! Daily Star!' , 'Fun
in the Sun' Division
'All the animals come out at night.
Queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick venal.
Some day a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the
streets.
Thank god for the rain to wash the trash off the sidewalk.
Listen you screwheads:
Here is a man who would not take it anymore.
A man who stood up against the scum, the filth.
Now I see clearly :'
I call that one 'Red Angel Dragnet'.
Wolfs Dragoons - I was going
to mention them for posterity, but quite frankly they were rubbish.
Bouncing Krauts - With players
dropping out before the season starts, this doesn't look hopeful.
I expect the Krauts to get off to a really good start, before
more players drop out, and Krauts season turns sour. Mid table.
ABC Warriors - someone mentioned
it before, and it deserves mentioning again - they were a good
group 20 years ago, but can they still shoot that Poison Arrow
? Or will they go the way of Ro-Jaws - reduced to ripping the
tops off dog food tins in a dark alleyway ? Wooden Spoon contenders
Rock N Roll Suicides - Congratulations
to Alliances Big Mad Donkey for steering his team into the division
he will be managing next season. I am sure they will also give
Brigantes a run for the Wooden Spoon. In all fairness, the Big
Mad Donkey broke his personal record of victories in a season.
It had been standing at 2 wins since Season 1, but our furry
friend managed 3 last season! Special mentions to Luiglin for
turning up, and eszekl for winning all 8 of his games and staying
with the team that got relegated. In the immortal words of Mr
T : "YOU GODDAM FOOL!"
Brigantes - tough season ahead,
as they try to improve on next seasons performance. This team
has often been described as 'Easy to Beat, Hard to Lose to'.
Jospee has lashed worto to the bulwark for his performance last
season : the landlubber was winning games ! If only everyone
played like Yuri, the Brigantes would have the Wooden Spoon
secured. Then there's Adabot - if everyone didn't play like
Adabot, then again they would have the Wooden Spoon secured.
Cursed Clowns - despite the fact
that they have changed their team logo by injecting the T-Virus
into the Clowns head, I am not convinced. Fielding 5 players
per match seems to be a challenge for this team, so actually
winning anything apart from the Wooden Spoon, again seems unlikely.
Mid table.
Doomed - Fear them , for you
are not worthy, the crème de la crème of the 'fun
division' - table toppers with an unbeaten record next season.
With player names like Indriocowhatshisface, it will be virtually
impossible to send out a correct challenge to any of their players,
thus resulting in a Darryl's Law 20-0 win. D2 Champions.
Phoenix From the Flames - This
season David Baddiel and Frank Skinner will be recreating some
of the teams' worst cock-ups. Currently, Phoenix is ran by the
best player in LSN today - 'thegoblin'. If throwing peanuts
at people won points, he would have single-handedly won every
award going, plus this seasons awards already. Rumour has it,
gobbo is still confused over the 'replay orders' and 'send orders'
buttons. The rest of the team are confused as to how the hell
they ended up in this team. In fact the team banner is threatening
to leave if their poor performance continues. It will, I am
sure.
Aftershock Revolutions - with
players like Lex and PrivateJoker in their team, they are bound
to get what they deserve this season - nothing. With losses
such as Caskey and Carver, they are looking like an afterbirth
that next-doors-dog has had a go at, after you left it on the
kitchen worktop last night. Mid-table humdrum.
Hippo Squirrels - should be renamed
'Masochists R Us'. Why bother ? Are you all cenobites ? Fighting
in the pit of despair led by the mighty War Wallaby. Wooden
Spoon contenders.
Disciples of Grammar - Back from
the Season 0 dustbin, that someone had stuffed them in like
a used condom. With an almost new line up too, apart form the
leader Mothers Pride, and Phigment wondering which part of his
imagination let him join up again ?. Let me spell something
out for you DoGs : The dustmen will be around next Thursday.
Be good boys and pop yourself out with the rest of the trash.
Wooden spoon contenders - Brigantes beware!
Alone in the Dark - impressive
track record of throwing away games they should have won, ending
up with mid table mediocrity. This season though, they will
come back bigger, leaner & faster. Able to throw matches
within days, and beat the best within seconds. From within this
force of chaos will come a beast that looks like a cross between
sohirs arse, green26's left testicle and a bag of Doritos. Promoted
- only just though.
Dragons - this is the depository
for players that didn't make the lofty heights of the 'Rising'
team. Disposed of by their vampire cousins, these bloodless
corpses have been left to wonder the corridors of Division 2.
This team is just becoming one big body bank. Looks like Longshot
fell in there at the start of last season and never got back
out, his cries for help were heard by Milarky, at the end of
this season, but alas poor Milarky slipped on Valars entrails
whilst trying to drag Longshot out of there, and Milarky has
now become part of the team. Mid table finish. Partly due to
their opponents fear and loathing, partly due to sympathy and
compassion for creatures, that were once mighty.
That draws a curtain on my predictions for the
season. Hopefully you will have picked yourself up off of the
floor by this time, and towelled the sweat down by the time
I return to mock. Lastly, from one of my favourite poems, titled
'The Requiem':
'When the meaningful words
When they cease to function
When there's nothing to say
When will it start bothering you?
The requiem'
The Cutter
