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'Who's
on the seventh floor
Brewing alternatives
What's in the
bottom drawer
Waiting for things to give
Spare us The
Cutter!'
If
there was light in the beginning, and darkness at the end, consider
myself to be the interface, bright on one side, dark on the other,
with many shades of grey in-between.
Division One - The Dark Side
So,
where were we in this, the division of discontent ? Do you care ?
The
Faceless Consortium (10-0-0 ) : Like a soviet tank that's
twenty years out of date, but still spouting out iodine-131 fumes on
the local populace, the behemoth-type juggernaut of the guys from
some little-known polytechnic in the south of England, finally
becomes bogged down in a large puddle. The puddle happens to be the
rest of the dross in the division, so everything looks rosy. The
gears whine, the engines moan, and the whole structure shudders on
this their final grey day. Yet still, they rumble first over a
finishing line in a ghost town. Where have all their fans gone ?
<Please select one of the following>
(a)
The pub for a steak'n'kidney pudding, and a pint of Special
(b)
To take a photo of sdellboys incredible stats
(c)
There was a much more interesting cattle market on in the adjoining
village.
(d)
They never had any fans.
Okay,
they've now equalled the Pictish Punishers in every respect. Two wins
in a row, and no-one likes them. Surely it's time to get your
coats/dresses and leave the building ?
I
wrote 50/50 to win or default, so I am claiming a 0.5 point for that
prediction.
Rogue
Element (8-0-2 ) : My prediction with regard to this team went
awry as they defaulted their way into 2nd place. I should
of seen it coming, as the same type of thing happened last season as
they defaultedly got promoted into Div 1. Whether it’s the
Tenaka Khan pre-match mailbomb, or Archers ‘…’ (
although I hear he’s now got a bit chattier and goes for a ‘….’
nowadays ) nobody knows, but they managed to get a default win in all
the matches that count.
I
have just lost –1 on that prediction, although I am tempted to
‘default’ the ‘–1’ into a ‘+1’
;) Okay, my names not <insert Rogue Result team player >, I’ll
stick with the –1. You have to remember they ascended to the
top of the table mid-season and looked like winning. On that day,
the statue of GuiltyCol in the LSN Hall of Fame cried blood, a flock
of goats were seen at a depth of 2000 fathoms, and Redeem won a game.
Okay, only two of those miracles happened, Redeem lost the game.
Dragons
Rising (8-0-2) despite the new unit costs ( it now costs 5FP to
field Kalebs Ego ) the Rimmers got off to a great start. As
predicted, it was the end of the season where it got flakier than
Cadburys. As ever Kaleb defied even his usual pair of knockers, by
putting in some ass whipping performances. Oh hang on Tenaka Khan
whooped his ass. Tenaka Khan must have been eating Pot Noodle that
night, as he took Kalebs marines for a snog down the back alley with
his splatters….or was that a Rogue Result default win again ?
‘Chicken lamb’ hintikka done the business again for the
team, but again consistently turning up by the rest of the team would
help. +1 to me.
Anaraknaphobia(8-0-2)
SHOCKING ! THEY WERE ROBBED ! My pre-season tip for the top.
They underachieved when it really counted, and didn’t put
enough points past weaker teams. As a result, it’s another
–0.5 for me ( as they were joint 2nd ) but this is
not good. In fact, I suddenly hate this team now. DON’T YOU
REALISE I HAVE GOT A REPUTATION TO KEEP HERE ?! Sniffing cat litter
trays whilst on a vodka IV drip, was never, and is still never going
to be a good idea, before plotting an MT missile or a WG’s
zappy thing.
8
Bit Fanatics ( 5-0-5 ) : The Eight Bit Fannies fanny about like
Fanny Craddock in the kitchen. One minute they are stewing up a foul
brew ( eg vs ICF ), the next minute they are inside it getting slowly
broiled.( Dragons Rising ). Yet, they did manage mid table
mediocrity despite losing about 27 players mid season. Another –1
for me as I predicted relegation.
Grunts
on the Edge (5-0-5 ) managed to grunt and die, yet another team
living on empty. So much was promised by the yesteryear champions ,
but so little was given. However, I suddenly like these guys for
going flaky on me during the season, as it gives me a +1 in the
prediction column.
99ers
( 3-0-7 ) : I said ‘gite’ at the start of the season,
and some people didn’t understand what this meant. Look at the
end of season record, and you’ll know what I meant. With a
player called ‘Sterner than Rednecks’ on your roster,
there’s only one thing going to be happening. +1 to me. Thanks
Ma,Pa, Jim-Bob, Joe-Bob, Mary-Lou, Lou-Jim, Mary-Bob, Uncle Jesse
and a hoss named Stephen Naylor. Yippee-Ky-Ay !
The
Worms that Turned ( 3-0-7 ) : true to prediction , <oooof>
that’s gonna leave a nasty scar, but don’t worry no girl
would come near you, so they wont see it. This team is rank, like a
twitching corpse. Thanks to Alices Mighty Defaulters though, they’ll
probably stay up. More meat for the new batch of crows. +1 to me,
nuff said.
Crimson
Scales ( 3-0-7 ) : and I thought these guys had mid-table
mediocrity written all over them. Nope, wrong again, cross out that
tattoo on Purplechests forehead and replace it with…..relegated.
as for Android Barkers tattoo (you know where it is) – I
suggest keyhole surgery as the only solution. Or join another team in
a mid table position. Probably less painful. You should of joined
up with the Grunts when you were offered the chance at the start of
the season. –1 to me, as they performed worse than even I could
of imagined.
Invincible
Crazy Fists ( 2-0-8 ) : OUCH ! OUCH ! and thrice OUCH ! MISSUS !
What happened here ? I can only blame the nuclear attack on Oregon
last year for wiping out most of the team and leaving cockroaches to
submit their turns. Although in a few players cases, it actually
improved their stats. What a demise, -1 to me.
Alices
Mighty Dischord (0-0-10) : Now you see them , now you don’t.
Now touring with David Copperfield. Another –1 to me.
The
Cutter Div:1 predictions : 4-1-5
Comment
: I blame circumstances beyond my control for most of the
incorrect predictions.
Division Two - The Light Side
At
last, let there be merriment, joy and light, for here are the joyous
ones.
In
that stats column, why is it , that everyone’s best win is vs
Redeem ? Oh yeah, cos he’s crap ;)
Alone
in the Dark(9-0-2): The beastly combination of Sohir and Green26
was indeed frightening, in fact so frightening that even grown men
fled in horror ! ……Despite the fact that Sohir wasn’t
playing, so they had to use Gavgarans right buttock with White Hawks
spleen to attach to Green26’s left testicle. Still, it worked
! a +1 to me. Even though they done a bit better than I thought.
ABC
Warriors ( 8-0-3 ) : Totally unknown quantities in number 2 shock
horror ! Jstuff struts his…jstuff ? So, I guess ‘when
Jstuff sings, you hear violins ?’ I didn’t and got –1
point for my troubles.
Bouncing
Krauts : ( 8-0-3 ) : Vorsprung Durch Technik….at least
until they started employing some out of work Rover workers to prop
the team up. Good performance by the Krauts throughout the team,
although Hatge stands out as their star performer. –1 to me.
Watch out for them next season.
Aftershock
reloaded (7-0-4) : Finally – they woke up ! Lex &
diceman leading the way, the team that always flattered to deceive
finally got their mojo working. Not quite the mid table I predicted,
but only just, I’ll settle for a draw.
Rock
N Roll Suicides ( 7-0-4) : With BMD winning a record breaking 4
games in one season, you knew these guys were going places. Middle
of the table beckoned them and they followed in style. Not a bad
effort, but again one that cocks up my predictions. Not happy. –1
point
Cursed
Clowns (7-0-4): The Nemesis Clown runs around shouting
'C.L.O.W.N.S.' at everyone. Unlike the RE Nemesis though, this
Nemesis keeps falling over in its size 52 shoes, and it's main
tentacle keeps falling off. Biggles to the rescue ? No, didn't think
so. Despite Redeem dissing my prediciton of them, I was right ! +1
to me. The only bonus point to their season was that they beat
rivals Phoenix Rising in the table…again !
Phoenix
from the Flames (5-0-6): - gobbo records a 20-0 win against The
Who's 'Tommy'. Other members such as Maku73 and LaserDave deserve a
mention, but I can't be bothered, as players like General Specific
keep draggin the side ‘back to the good old days of
scorchio-scorchio-scorchio-Chris waddle’. +1 to me. Remember
when Chris Waddle used to fly down the wing with his mullet flapping
in the breeze like a Greek God ? Yes, well this isn't 'that' Waddle I
am referring to, my reference is to the forlorn creature that skied
a penalty over the bar in Italia 90.
Doomed
(4-1-6) : 'GET A FRIKKIN GRIP ON YOURSELVES' ARE YOU TRYING TO
SHOW ME UP ! They are just cruising in the fast lane, with the top
down, if you got points for style, these guys would be dressed better
than Neo. Unfortunately JG never figured in points for style and
roleplaying. This is a BIG –1 for me. Why oh why did I have
faith in this pack of jerks ? Answers on a postcard to : Dazed and
Confused, Doomed are Crap, Why can’t they play consistently ?
Boulevard, bottom of the Tablesville. Zip Code : WTF FUBAR
Disciples
of Grandma(3-1-7) - Everything started well, until Phigment lost
his false teeth, and yes, they went out with the garbage at the end
of the season. In the 'not to be recycled under any circumstances'
plastic bin bag. Rumour has it, theses guys will be turning up in
5000 tins of alphabetti-spaghetti’ ( according to an insider at
Heinz ). Funny note aside : their website was entitled : ‘Disciples
of Grammer’. +1 to me. I have never laughed so much since the
postman fell in my homemade acid trench. No bills that day !
Brigantes
( 3-0-8 ) : continue to put in losing performances, they really
have peaked at uniform perfection here. The inclusion of Adabot 2nd
worst ever LSN'er of all time was a master stroke. If only they
could of gotten sdellboy on board, they could of given the Squirrels
a run for the spoon. Once again, I have to thank the ineptitude of
players for an easy +1. I suggest this team stick to pulling Santa’s
sleigh, and leave the LSN to other folks.
Dragons(2-0-9)
: The Dead Walk ! Will Raccoon City be safe, with these guys
meandering lifelessly along in the division, ? yes they were –
as predicted ! An easy +1, despite Longshot claiming I was being too
negative about them. What on earth was there to be positive about
them ? Okay, you’re a zombie, so you don’t need to
shower in the morning – but you’re not going to get a job
selling Chanel No9 are you ? At least they can take solace in the
fact that have they infected the people that beat them. Good effort
at the Wooden Spoon though.
Hippo
Squirrels (2-0-9) : yet again played consistently throughout the
season. Consistently bad. Especially Sandstorm99 with an 0-9
record. Did anyone tell S99 that this is LSN, not LSD ? If you are
swimming in a pool of DoG crap, or Squirrel crap, it doesn't really
matter, you are still swimming in crap. Okay, you've got a snorkel,
but who is going to wash your clothes afterwards ? +1 to me, I am
almost tempted to claim a bonus point, but I’m far too modest.
The
Cutter Div 2 predictions : 7-1-4
Comments
: I blame circumstances beyond my control for most of the
incorrect predictions.
Final
message for Division One : Just remember folks, it’s only a
game, it’s not real life, and your manhood doesn’t depend
on your performance in LSN. It is NOT going to impress the
laaaaaadies.
Final
message for Division Two : Just remember folks, this stuff is
scarily serious ! Your manhood depends on you LSN prowess, and you’ll
have no chance with the laaaaaadies if you don’t brush up on
your skills.
Bring
on the next armchair pundit…….
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