The Cutter

'Who's on the seventh floor
Brewing alternatives
What's in the bottom drawer
Waiting for things to give
Spare us The Cutter!'

If playing LSN was representational of your IQ, then DeadDog would be Einstein, Vasco would be Galileo, and (ICF randomly generated player ) would be a garden snail. There again, an Aftershock Loaded player would be a lemming. The one exception to this analogy would be Commander Blackhawk, who would actually be a rat for deserting so many teams to try to shoot a positive end of season score.

Ah, the joys of hindsight at the seasons end !! No, I don’t mean the rear view of DeadDog as he finally sends in the final seasons gameturn with 10 minutes left on his clock at 4am on a crisp winters morning ; his fine silky thighs taut against the fur-lined chair, his soft, yet firm hands stroking the mouse, as if it were……ahem…..let’s get back to the season recap shall we ?

So, for those that cannot be bothered to read any further, or who cannot read, here’s a recap: Doomed won, the rest of you are crap, except for Aftershock Reloaded, who are utter gite. Nuff said, savvy ?

Division One

- also known as the “We like to petition changes to the Default Rules as we play the season out, in order to gain a miniscule advantage” league

Doomed (5-1-1) – like a finely honed athlete my boys not only claimed the D2 prize last season but captured the D1 prize this season. Some clinical performances from them, including Indricowhassname, despite playing the season whilst interred in the Arkham Asylum. DeadDog dealt out death to all and everyone. In fact to be quite honest he should be banned from playing again, he’s starting to make people cry. As far as I can see, the only way he is going to get beaten is by a) Valkea with a big stick, or b) limavictor426 burning his house down overnight with him in it, even then it will still only have been a +10 default so their games would have been drawn.

Next season top spot, no worries.

Anaraknophobia (5-1-1 ) – The Gods of Alliance have to share their Utopia this time with Doomed, but I think this is what these guys need. A kick up the flabby backside which was growing too soft from the debaucheries of living at the top. Maybe ‘Serious’ Vasco will get a sense of humour ? Maybe people will understand Hero Boys tactics ( Heksa certainly did as he walloped HB ) and possibly Rainman will be released from his straight jacket, and Orkboi actually learns to play the game without the blindfold. I suspect this could be the end of this team, as their lardy-arses get stuffed into the boiler room next season, to meet the new janitor, a chap by the name of Mr Krueger. Sorry, but I reckon it’s third place for them, unless they make the signings I have recommended.

99ers (5-0-2) – instead of the usual gite, I would say semi-gite now. Are they going to ever challenge ? No. Are they going to get demoted ? No. All filler no killer. With one exception, Heksa, yet another player who flattened the podgy soft Hero Boy, and put in an unbeaten season for the team. *gives a nod to the Anaraks* poach him now boys. But there agqain General ‘Lucky’ Strike posted a flawless record in his four games. Maybe if he got up off his Thomas the Tank Engine beanbag, and played a bit more for his team, things will get better. Hmm, I will give them fourth spot next season.

ABC Warriors(4-0-3) – All flash and no panache, some would say, but these heroes of 2000AD will be forever wandering the wastelands created by the likes of Doomed and Anaraknaphobia, or will they ? I suspect they may be challenging for second spot next season, especially if the Anarak lardyboys get any softer. Take Hammerstein for example, apart from *gasps * getting beaten by Rogue Elements Valkea, he stomped over everyone. Unfortunately the rights to make the film about the team have been bought by Sylvester Stallone, SPLUNDIG VUR THRIGG!

Cursed Clowns(3-0-4) – Smart “Well just 'cos Doomed can't beat us.... they have to make the best of the celebrations when another team does it instead” Bunny seems to think he’s as wise as an owl, but frankly he’s a twit-twhoo nobody wants to listen too. Despite that he somehow managed to put in a solid performance. Dancing Destroyer, one of the lesser players in the Clowns, and LSN in general (although take that as read for any clown), after finding out they had not got demoted was later seen covered in sherbert, trying to hide in the Woolworths pick n mix confectionary section. Next season ? Easy, demoted, one above Alone in the Dark. Take the example of Limavictor426, he got beaten with an ugly stick for the whole season, yet still stays in D1 ? Is life fair ? No. Get ready for the big drop from the big top.

Alone in the Dark(3-0-4) – how the hell did they stay up ? Gavgaragan put in a decent performance as did DryHeat, but the rest of the team played Crash Test Dummies for the season,. Still, how did they stay up ? It must have been due to some irresponsibility elsewhere, surely ? *looks sternly at the 8 Bits* However that is assuming somebody responsible is actually playing LSN. Now it’s alone at the bottom of D1 awaiting some hopefully worse cannon fodder than last season. My prediction though is an improvement to fifth

8-Bit Fanatics(2-0-5) – I nearly fell off my chair when they got demoted …..laughing hysterically. They got whomped every game, and not one of their players posted a net positive score. The excuse that you are playing the pre-greys v1.3 of LSN doesn’t wash these days. So, will LSN Rat, Laserburn who deserted Doomed, eat humble pie and beg forgiveness as he takes another team down into D2 ? And the mighty Prismatic; finally humbled, after being their shining light ; will he ever find his gonads after that twin mauling from Deaddog and Gavgargen ? Even Rye’s traditional scottish LSN pre-battle fare of haggis and deep-fried pizza, with neeps and tatties, followed by a deep-fried Mars Bar ; was irrevocably damaged in a confrontation with General Strike mid season, leaving the poor boy without vital every-day Scottish nutrients. Next season though – instant promotion in slot one, and back into another D1 hell for them.

Rogue Element(0-0-7) – Somehow the figures ‘007’ don’t quite suit this team, as they became a Rogue Agent, Under Fire and ended up with their heads in the toilets of Casino Royale. About time they got found out, they should never have been in D1 in the first place after sneaking in through the backdoor, paying the old admins 5 groats and a dead squirrel to get in. Yet again I predicted they would win the Silver Spoon award and they did ! Welcome to D2, from the Cutter, with love. Next season ? Dissolved in Polonium 210, we won’t be seeing this element again. I almost feel sorry for Zwack, as he has put a lot of effort *crosses out the next three paragraphs of praise for RE*, okay I don’t, just join another team next season *points towards the Anaraks*

Division Two

– Rules ? Whose rulez ? We roolz !!!!1 w3 12 the UnD3r9r0uN1) & j00 5u><0rz

Swamp Rats(6-0-2) With new recruits in old spawnster Scallywag and newguy Vom burst the Rats into D1 (maybe Laserburn will join them next season ? ). A team of last seasons no-hopers turn into these seasons outright winners. Commander Blackhawk now has a dilemma, is he going back into D1, where he lost most of his internal organs, and won an LSN Rat Award for jumping ship to easy street in the Swamp Rats ? Commander FeatherDuster is probably trying to sign into the ICF for next season. Eventually he will find a pond that makes him look big in it. Next season for the Rats ? Scallywag will do his usual “now you see him, now you don’t” disappearing act, and the team will go down with the Clowns, err, not literally I hope.

tHe WoRmS tHaT tUrNeD(6-0-2) – into what this time ? “Watch this!” As the likes of EcthelionDeLaFuente foiled opponents with his banana bombs, and “Weeeeeeeee”BadBaz. Unfortunately, falling into the water was Sunken“Oh noooo!”State. Next season ? Fighting to survive, and I think they will, but only just, one above relegation.

Brigantes(6-0-2) – often referred to as the Big Aunties, and this team of cross-dressers did look almost daunting, Hraz dressed in curlers a hairnet, and a minskirt ; and Colonel Capslock himself, REDLAN put in a great performance – WELL DONE. Meanwhile old timer Thall brought up the rear in a lacy bodice and two rolling pins, just in case any of the other alliance males got ‘fruity with her girls’ . Still they won one of the oldest rivalries in Alliance vs the RNRS. Which reminds me, what do you get if you cross a Rock N Roll Suicide with a Big Auntie ? Answer : Twisted Sister. You have got to wonder if Duke Judy Garland is the product of a bizarre cloning experiment between these two teams. On second thought, I would prefer not to wonder. Next season, second place and a return to the ‘wonderful’ D1 to be whipping-boys once more.

Disciples of Grammar(5-1-2) – A much maligned, but a much improved team. With some decent players now to fill in for the usual stock of duffers, and has-beens. However, disturbing quotes on the forum such as, Aidan Pryde’s : “Good game, BF. I thought that I was going to roll you after a good start” do make you wonder as to what their motives really are. Luckily Badfish changed addresses after the first few turns. Aidan Pryde was later seen on a date with Hraz (wearing a fetching violet ra-ra skirt and matching handbag ) . Plus Gregholg was firing on all cylinders this season, you never know, I put them down for third place next season.

RNRS(2-0-6) - They certainly lost all of their instruments this season. In fact most of this team will be looking for extraeneous body parts and appendages that they lost throughout the season. What the heck is Duke Garland doing, strutting around in this team ? First of all, he has a girls surname, and then he actually won some games. Still they managed to bring out their ‘big hitter’ VladimirR ( playing his bass in the style of Redeem ), as he managed to lose consistently all season. Frankly this pack of Val Doonicans need to get a some more comfy rocking chairs for next season, and several gallons of cocoa.

Phoenix Nights(4-0-4) – Brian ‘von Cox’ Potter certainly got his boys together this season, leading from the front in his Mech wheelchair, assisted by General ‘Max’ Specific, and ‘Paddy’ Tibbs1026. Yet, still, the team is now only amongst the D2 fillers, and I am looking for an improvement in the….okay I am not, I expect the club to get burnt down next season. Sixth place, they were lucky this season. Garlic bread…it’s the future.

Dei Gratia(3-1-4) - more like Gei Dratia, what gite. Take this example Hidden (of DG) plays vs Hraz(Brigs) on Jungle Fever and loses 3-20. Hardly hidden was he ? LMFAO, he must have sat in the jungle covered in dayglo orange, plugged into Iron Maidens sound system. The DG team captain, PegasusJF put in his usual one win of the season, but nothing more. Except he continues to cast his Bless spell on the opposition, most strange, is he not supposed to be cursing them ? Of better still cast a Blindness spell on them, then see how they can put their turns on. Why oh why did Spaceman Spiff not read the contract before he signed up ? He must have been caught unawares with his pants down, from behind, to have signed for this team. His performance outshines the rest of the gite in here. *posts an Anaraks form to SS* Next season, sixth, seventh whatever, nowhere basically. In fact, wooden spoon, why not ?

Invincible Crazy Fists(1-2-5) - become the Tenderised Piles of Flesh overnight, what a pile of dross ! In fact that’s an insult to a pile of dross, I would say they are as bad as something that auditioned for a film role as a pile of dross extra, and failed. They even failed to pick up the Wooden Spoon properly, allowing it to fumble through their butter-coated fingers. The only good point is Razorfire, maybe the rest of the team are his gimps, otherwise, like Spaceman Spiff, I would say, ‘What the frak are you doing in there ?’ *hires a Big Aunties Kissogram to lure him into the Anaraks*

Aftershock Reloaded(1-0-7) -When private joker is your teams best player of the season, you know things have got to be bad, nope not even that good, have a Wooden Spoon boys. But hey ! At least you won something ? Admittedly a bag of frozen peas would have been more useful to sit on after all the asskickings you got, but a spoon it is. More of the same next season, if the team even survives that is. Except I believe things will get better, as they move up to second from bottom.

Well well, what fun that was, covering you all in….my glory. Enjoy next season ladies, as I won’t. *drives off in his Humvee with the LSN Cheerleaders*